My Need for Stillness

I am a person who needs stillness in my life. I hate going and going and going without stillness. I love being home, I love listening to music, I love reading books and I love quiet time. I love "Me" time.

I struggle with demands on my free time. I try to reflect on why I seem to be drawn inwardly more and more. I really don't like going on vacations away from my home. I don't particularly like shopping and browsing. I am really not a great friend. That may sound harsh, but I am tired of the need to go and be active all the time - or get out there and mingle with friends and others.

That doesn't mean I'm not a friendly and love people whom I connect with from time to time or see at church and visit with, or Internet friends whom I can talk to on my own schedule with no demands. I really find joy in blogging friends, it fills the need to talk to someone without giving up my free time or bogging down my schedule. The past two weeks of having company and a visit from my Mom has totally worn me out. I love my Mom and having her visit - but then I need the time to regroup and have my stillness. The past couple of weeks, I've seen many movies and have been going and going. I believe it has totally caught up with me - because all I want to do is crawl into bed and hibernate and have stillness and time to rest my brain.
I hope that doesn't mean I am "broken" - seriously..... I start to get anxious when I go for several weeks without stillness. That is what I am filling right now - a little anxious and I know I need to turn off TV, all outside distractions, then fill my home with music and stillness - even a good book.

I've had so many years on the go. I didn't get married until I was 30 so the years before that were filled with dating and dating, attending single activities, being a single Mom and career woman.

Then when I married - I struggled with that a lot. I know it was from too many demands on my time and no "Me" time or stillness. My husband liked to go and go - it would have been great for him if we were never home. I just can't function that way - I never have been able to do it. For me, my marriage was stifling - totally losing myself and always serving and being everything for everyone else. It was exhausting. In everything I do - I feel the need to try for perfection and hate to let others down or have them angry at me. I also have trouble saying "No" as you might already know this about me.

After only a 4 year marriage, I had the responsibility of raising 2 sons and being a major career woman. From time to time I would start dating again. Years and years of going and going - always working. I've never had the opportunity of being a stay at home Mom. Even when Brady was born - I was back to work 2 weeks after his birth - going and going. I'm tired. . . . . .

Most of the women I come in contact with have been stay at home Mothers and have had the luxury of being home. These wonderful women who have the opportunity to stay at home and be a Mom, don't realize how hard it is to work outside the home and not be a full time Mother or wife. I think we always want what we don't have.

Now don't get me wrong .... I am VERY happy with my life and feel VERY blessed. I just feel better when I have STILLNESS and time for "ME".

I think I am becoming a very selfish person - where I need stillness and my time.

I love Sunday's where I can attend church and fill my spirit with the gospel and am able to sing praises. I love coming home with little demands on my time and the stillness of no TV (which we really try to always have turned off on Sundays). Sundays are the day I revive myself, rest and have stillness.

One other thing is that I am at the point where I can't watch news or items pertaining to the government or economy. If I don't watch it ..... I don't know about it and can have peace in my own little world. I know there is sorrow in this world and a very bad economy..... but I can't handle the problems of the world or all the negativity out there - it just bogs me down and spirals me into a depression.

I choose to turn off the problems of the world - that doesn't mean I don't give to the needy or serve when I can. It means that I chose not to blasted daily by negative influences - I'd rather be uplifted and have stillness and peace.

I wish you stillness, peace and the spirit of our Heavenly Father in your life. I wish you happiness and I hope we all can find "Joy in this Journey".