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Copyright © 2008 Happy Clean Living

Thursday, September 18, 2008

Jason

Jason and I have a very special bond. I was 21 years old when I became pregnant with Jason. Larry and I decided not to get married, however I wanted to keep this baby so much. I always wanted children and to be a Mom. Never in my wildest dreams did I ever think I wouldn't have some wonderful husband by my side in this journey. There were lots of heart aches and sadness that I wasn't married when I had my son. That sadness will remain with me throughout all my life.
The moment I gave birth to Jason, it was love at first sight. Can you blame me? Isn't he the most beautiful baby? All of that dark hair and so very precious. It seemed surreal to think that this little human being was made in my own body. I would look at his eyes, mouth, fingers, finger nails and all of it and realize what a miracle a baby really is. He was a good baby, which was a huge blessing to my life.
It's been 24 years since I brought this little boy home. Our time in life goes by so quickly and unfortunately we don't take time to appreciate each day, each moment along the way.
I was young and scared to do this on my own. I wanted to give him everything. To be the perfect Mom and provide for him the best I could. I had to be the Mother and the Father, the protector, the teacher, the nurturer, the bread winner, the disciplinarian and so on. It was a huge task, but I was going to try my darnedest to keep Jason and do it all.
We did have fun while he was growing up. He was very spoiled. Isn't that what single mothers do to their children, to make up for the guilt of no father and having to work all the time to make the living?
How could I not love and give this little guy everything I possible could? It was a joy to raise such a happy baby. I love being a Mother and having the opportunity to have a beautiful baby boy. A baby doesn't give you the love a husband does. It doesn't feel the void. Being a single mother isn't the best choice in life. At times I feel that maybe it would have been better to have put him up for adoption to really give him everything... a mother and a father. That would have been the selfless thing to do. But I was 22 when I had him. I had a job, apartment and car. I wasn't 16, I was an adult. I wanted him and I was selfish. I couldn't give him up. This is what I always wanted.
Larry and I remained friends, but it was heart breaking that he didn't love me enough to make us a family. That is why young ladies shouldn't have sex outside of marriage. It is very heart breaking. Stay morally clean, that is the way to true happiness. Waiting until marriage and making that part of a marriage much better by waiting and sharing a life time with the love of your life. It is the ONLY proper and fulfilling way. The other way is heart breaking. I do feel very blessed to have been a mother to Jason. I love him very much. Look at that face. Children are the best thing in life. If only I had waited for marriage to give myself to a man. Then maybe I would still be married with a lot of children, my dream. My son would have had a full time father. Every son needs a father. I tried through out his life to keep in contact with his father, but it wasn't something he was interested in. We'd see him every few years or so. Which is not enough for a growing boy. Jason is a mamma's boy. He is soft, cuddly and lovable. We were everything to each other for 9 years before I married. When I was married, it was hard for him to share a new dad with me. Plus, my husband didn't particularly like my son - because I did everything wrong (in his eyes) in raising him. It wasn't a good match for my son and cause a lot of conflict in the marriage - having a child and then marrying someone.
Bottom line is: having a son (who is the joy of my life) and then trying to get married doesn't work. It takes an extra special guy to be a father and they are few and far behind.
That is the reason I will remain single until both of my boys are grown and on their own. They don't need that drama in their lives. Been there and done that.
I love my children and the special bonds I have with them. Jason is a strong loving man and he would do anything for me, as I would do for him. I wish him joy and happiness in his life. That is all a mother can give.







1 comment:

zoey said...

Sondra,
Thanks for sharing that special story and the great pictures! I remember some of those. I hope that young woman and men listen to your story and so many others like it. You are the best!!!

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